From Divorce & Custody Attorney in Lee's Summit Kirby Minor:

The 36 Stratagems (Sānshíliù Jì) is an ancient Chinese collection of tactical maxims, likely compiled during the Ming or Qing dynasty but drawing from centuries of military and political wisdom. Unlike Sun Tzu’s grand strategy, these are short, ruthless, pragmatic tricks for gaining advantage when outnumbered, out-resourced, or on the defensive—perfect for the asymmetric warfare of high-conflict Missouri custody cases. In Jackson County, where judges apply the rebuttable equal parenting presumption (§ 452.375), the substantial-change threshold (§ 452.410), and strict contempt standards, the high-conflict ex often has the initiative: they violate orders, alienate, delay, or provoke.

The 36 Stratagems give targeted ways to turn their aggression against them, conserve your resources, and win time with your children without burning out. I’ve grouped them into six chapters of six stratagems each, with direct application to Missouri family law. Use these ethically and lawfully — never fabricate evidence or violate court orders.

Chapter 1: Stratagems for Superiority (When You Have the Upper Hand)

1. Cross the sea without the emperor’s knowledge

   
   

   Quietly build evidence (logs, app exports, third-party statements) while the ex believes they’re winning. File contempt or modification when the pattern is overwhelming.

   
   

2. Besiege Wèi to rescue Zhào

   
   

   When they attack your character, don’t defend — attack their weakest point (e.g., repeated violations, financial inconsistencies).

   
   

3. Kill with a borrowed knife

   
   

   Let the GAL, therapist, or school counselor expose alienation or interference. Provide them organized evidence; let neutral parties do the heavy lifting.

   
   

4. Wait at leisure while the enemy labors

   
   

   Don’t chase every minor violation. Document patiently. When exhaustion sets in, their position weakens — strike with a strong motion.

   
   

5. Loot a burning house

   
   

   When the ex is in crisis (job loss, new relationship drama, legal trouble), calmly document how it affects the child and file for modification.

   
   

6. Make a sound in the east, then strike in the west

   
   

   Threaten one motion (e.g., contempt for visitation) to force negotiation on another (e.g., support arrears). Divert their attention.

   
   

Chapter 2: Stratagems for Attack (When You Want to Press)

7. Create something from nothing

   
   

   The ex claims “the child refuses to go.” You create evidence of coercion (logs, child’s prior statements to neutral parties) to disprove it.

   
   

8. Openly repair the gallery road, secretly build the plank road

   
   

   Appear to cooperate on minor issues while quietly preparing your main attack (e.g., contempt motion backed by months of logs).

   
   

9. Watch the fire burning across the river

   
   

   Let the ex’s chaos (missed visits, badmouthing) self-destruct. Document without intervening until the pattern is court-ready.

   
   

10. Hide a dagger behind a smile

    
    

    Stay polite in co-parenting app messages while building a rock-solid contempt case. The contrast strengthens your credibility.

    
    

11. Sacrifice the plum tree to preserve the peach tree

    
    

    Let go of minor schedule disputes to preserve core parenting time or avoid escalation that could hurt your position.

    
    

12. Take the opportunity to pilfer a goat

    
    

    When the ex slips (missed exchange, blocked call), immediately request make-up time in writing and log it — small wins add up fast.

    
    

Chapter 3: Stratagems for Attack by Stratagem

13. Stomp the grass to scare the snake

    
    

    File a motion for temporary orders or contempt to force the ex to reveal their hand or comply out of fear.

    
    

14. Borrow a corpse to resurrect the soul

    
    

    Use prior court findings (temporary orders, GAL motion, contempt finding, orders of protection) to strengthen new motions — breathe new life into old victories.

    
    

15. Entice the tiger to leave its mountain lair

    
    

    Provoke (legally) the ex into overreaching — e.g., request detailed financials if they’re hiding income, request for admissions discovery tool — then use the responses against them, ask for deposition.

    
    

16. In order to capture, one must let loose

    
    

    Offer reasonable compromise in mediation to make the ex overconfident, then use their rejection to show non-cooperation in court.

    
    

17. Tossing out a brick to get a jade gem

    
    

    Make a small, reasonable request (e.g., one extra hour of make-up time). When denied, use the refusal to prove pattern of interference.

    
    

18. Defeat the enemy by capturing their chief

    
    

    Target the root cause: alienation, financial manipulation, or non-compliance. Once proven, the rest of their position crumbles.

    
    

Chapter 4: Stratagems for Confused Situations

19. Remove the firewood from under the pot

    
    

    When the ex weaponizes support (“Pay or no visitation”), file contempt for interference — remove their leverage.

    
    

20. Disturb the water and catch a fish

    
    

    When the ex is emotional/chaotic, stay calm and document — their outbursts become your evidence.

    
    

21. Slough off the cicada’s shell

    
    

    Appear to concede minor points (e.g., flexible drop-off) while securing major ones (e.g., make-up time, fee awards).

    
    

22. Shut the door to catch the thief

    
    

    When the ex violates repeatedly, file a strong contempt motion that forces compliance or sanctions.

    
    

23. Befriend a distant state while attacking a neighbor

    
    

    Build alliances (GAL, therapist, school) to support your stability while exposing the ex’s interference.

    
    

24. Obtain safe passage to conquer the status quo

    
    

    Use mediation or settlement offers to gain concessions, then use refusal to show non-cooperation, bad faith

    
    

Chapter 5: Stratagems for Gaining Ground

25. Replace the beams with rotten timbers

    
    

    When the ex claims “the child refuses,” prove interference/coercion — undermine their foundation.

    
    

26. Point at the mulberry tree while cursing the locust tree

    
    

    Indirectly expose bad behavior: “I’m concerned about the child’s anxiety after visits” — points to alienation without direct attack.

    
    

27. Feign madness without losing virtue

    
    

    Appear overly accommodating in writing while building a rock-solid contempt/modification case.

    
    

28. Remove the ladder when the enemy has ascended

    
    

    Once the ex commits to a weak position (e.g., false allegation), use discovery to expose it.

    
    

29. Deck the tree with false blossoms

    
    

    Let the ex think they’re winning — then file with overwhelming evidence.

    
    

30. Make the host and the guest exchange roles

    
    

    When the ex is aggressor, turn the tables with a strong motion — now they’re defending. Keep the offense on the field to score.

    
    

Chapter 6: Stratagems for Desperate Situations

31. The beauty trap

    
    

    Offer reasonable settlement to lure the ex into dropping guard, then use refusal to show non-cooperation.

    
    

32. The empty-city stratagem

    
    

    When low on resources, project calm confidence — let the ex overextend.

    
    

33. Let the enemy’s own spy sow discord in the enemy camp

    
    

    Use their own texts/logs against them — their words become your evidence.

    
    

34. Inflict injury on oneself to win the enemy’s trust

    
    

    Accept minor temporary losses to build credibility for bigger wins later.

    
    

35. Chain stratagems

    
    

    Link contempt → make-up time → modification → enforcement — one victory feeds the next.

    
    

36. If all else fails, retreat

    
    

    If the current battle is unwinnable, comply, document, and prepare for the next round (modification, appeal). Retreat preserves strength for the long war.

    
    

The 36 Stratagems are not about being “nice” — they’re about winning efficiently, ethically, and child-centered. In Missouri family court, where judges, GALs, and statutes reward evidence, cooperation, and stability, these ancient tricks give you tools to outmaneuver without becoming the villain. If you’re facing high-conflict custody, alienation, contempt, or modification in Lee’s Summit or Jackson County, bring strategic cunning to the fight. The Law Office of Kirby Minor combines disciplined tactics with relentless, child-first advocacy. Call or text 816-888-0632 or visit kirbyminor.com for a consultation. Outmaneuver. Protect your children. Win the war.