Transcending Win/Lose in Missouri Custody: Lessons from the Tengu (From Divorce & Custody Attorney in Lee's Summit)

From Divorce & Custody Attorney in Lee's Summit Kirby Minor:

While I was a student in Japan and attending High School and training in Judo, my host father took me to a Zen temple where I met the priest and received a personal tour and then an invitation to stay overnight and meditate. He told me I could stay in this particular room and a tengu (demon) would throw small pebbles at me while I slept. It made me curious about the tengu and the folklore that surround them and their influence on martial arts and strategy. (I stayed but decided on a different room).

The Tengu Geijutsu Ron (The Demon’s Sermon on the Martial Arts) is a rare, Zen-drenched text from early 18th-century Japan. Written in the voice of a tengu — a mythical mountain demon known for trickery and mastery — it instructs warriors that true skill lies not in defeating an opponent, but in transcending the illusion of opposition itself. Victory and defeat are empty; the real battle is with the mind’s clinging to dualities. In Missouri child custody litigation — especially high-conflict modifications (§ 452.410), contempt enforcement, alienation battles, and temporary orders hearings in Jackson County — the mind is constantly trapped in win/lose thinking: “I must get 50/50,” “They can’t have primary,” “I have to punish them.” This duality fuels emotional escalation, poor decisions, and self-defeat. The tengu’s teachings offer a path to freedom: empty the mind of fixed positions, see no separation between self and other, and act from non-duality. When there is no “opponent,” only the situation, the right action arises naturally — often leading to better outcomes for you and your child.

1. “There is no opponent” — Dissolve the illusion of the enemy

The tengu teaches that the greatest error is seeing an enemy “out there.” The real opponent is the mind’s own illusion of separation.

In Missouri Custody

The high-conflict ex is not “the enemy.” They are part of the same system — their dysfunction affects your child and your co-parenting. When you see them as the adversary, you react, escalate, and lose composure. The tengu’s insight: there is no opponent, only the situation and your response.

Practical Application  

• Treat violations (denied time, blocked calls, badmouthing) as data, not personal attacks — log them calmly.

• In hearings or GAL interviews, speak from the child’s perspective (“This pattern harms our child’s stability”), not “They’re attacking me.”

• Jackson County judges and GALs sense when a parent is fighting “against” the other rather than “for” the child — the non-dual parent wins credibility and time.

  
  

2. “Emptiness (kū) is the ultimate weapon” — Let go of fixed positions

The tengu emphasizes kū (emptiness): the mind that is empty of preconceptions, ego, and rigid expectations can respond perfectly to whatever arises.

In Missouri Litigation

Clinging to “I must have 50/50” or “They can’t win” creates rigidity and suffering. Emptiness allows flexibility:

• Accept temporary orders (even unfavorable) without emotional collapse — comply, document, prepare for modification.

• Let go of “winning every point” in mediation — yield on small issues to gain larger ones (e.g., more holidays in exchange for weekday stability).

• When alienation appears, don’t obsess over “proving” it — present the pattern calmly and let the evidence speak.

The empty mind adapts. The rigid mind breaks. In the 16th Circuit, the adaptable, child-centered parent usually gains meaningful time.

3. “Victory and defeat are illusions” — Transcend the win/lose trap

The tengu teaches that both victory and defeat are empty — only attachment to them creates suffering. The true warrior acts without being bound by either.

In Missouri Litigation

Every hearing feels like win/lose: “Did I get more time?” “Did they get sanctioned?” This illusion fuels endless escalation.

Practical Application  

• View each hearing or order as a step, not the end. A “loss” in temporary custody is just data — comply, document, and build for modification.

• Don’t celebrate “winning” contempt too loudly — it can provoke retaliation. Stay humble and focused on the child.

• When the court leans against you, don’t fight reality — adapt and reposition. The tengu’s warrior knows: today’s defeat is tomorrow’s opportunity.

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Jackson County judges favor the parent who transcends win/lose — the one who keeps showing up consistently, cooperatively, and calmly regardless of short-term rulings.

4. “The sword that gives life” — Protect without destroying

Like Yagyū Munenori’s life-giving sword, the tengu emphasizes that true martial skill preserves order and life, not just destroys.

In Missouri Litigation

The goal is not to annihilate the other parent’s role — it’s to protect your child’s right to both parents (when safe) and your own meaningful involvement.

Practical Application  

• Seek remedies that restore balance (make-up time, therapy, co-parenting classes) rather than total exclusion.

• Even in contempt or alienation cases, propose solutions that allow the other parent to improve (e.g., supervised exchanges, counseling).

• Model the behavior you want: facilitate contact, share information, avoid retaliation. This “life-giving” approach often leads to court orders that favor ongoing involvement.

  
  

5. “Non-duality: There is no self and other” — Dissolving the enemy illusion

The tengu’s deepest teaching is non-duality: no separation between self and other, attacker and defender, winner and loser.

In Missouri Litigation

The illusion of “me vs. them” fuels alienation, retaliation, and escalation. Non-duality dissolves it:

• See the other parent as part of the same system — their dysfunction affects the child and your co-parenting.

• Act in ways that benefit the whole system (child’s stability, both parents’ involvement) rather than just “your side.”

• When the ex attacks, respond as if protecting the shared child — not as if fighting an enemy.

  
  

In Jackson County, the parent who transcends “us vs. them” — who cooperates, documents fairly, and focuses on the child’s long-term health — earns the court’s trust and usually secures the most meaningful outcome.

The Tengu’s Gift to Missouri Parents

The Tengu Geijutsu Ron teaches that victory is not the absence of defeat, but freedom from the illusion of victory and defeat. In Missouri family court — where judges, GALs, and statutes demand stability, evidence, and child-centered conduct — the parent who transcends win/lose, emptiness of ego, and non-duality acts with effortless power. The rigid, dualistic fighter defeats themselves. The parent who practices the tengu’s emptiness protects their children and their future. If you’re facing high-conflict custody, modification, contempt, alienation, or enforcement in Lee’s Summit or Jackson County, bring tengu-level clarity to the fight. The Law Office of Kirby Minor combines strategic emptiness with relentless, child-first advocacy. Call or text 816-888-0632 for a consultation. Transcend win/lose. Act from emptiness. Secure what matters.